Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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