Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
