just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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