Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
