Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
