Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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