they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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