Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
