I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
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He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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