I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
