She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
