plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I supernannyed him into submission
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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