P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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