yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
