I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Randomize
