So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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