last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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