Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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