i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
