Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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