I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
