his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
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I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
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I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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