You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
