I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
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I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
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He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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