I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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