now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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