checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I need moral support for this bender
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
