I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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