i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize