i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Randomize
