Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
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Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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