Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
All the doctor said was why
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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