I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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