I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
