and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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