i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
