Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
