Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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