College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
