all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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