remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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