New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
