My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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