i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
PANTIES FOUND
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