he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
