Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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