Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
