So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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