u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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