If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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