i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
