We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
